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third post for today. but i'm feeling horribly emo and have no where to tell to. if you see this, dont come and tell me, oh it's okay whatever crap. life isn't okay. fate cannot be twisted neither can the future be changed.
i feel super demoralised la. everybody is getting As and Bs, i'm getting Cs and Ds. why does the people around me just have to be such smartshits. i may have gotten three As for my ca1, but still, it's all just nicely that very mark or so. and my Cs and D. yeah nice. i don't know la. sometimes i did work hard for the mark, yet i get super low. there my parents was, telling me how low i got and accusing me of not putting my heart into my studies. sometimes when i really didnt, then i'll just simply brush it off, cause i know that it was me. they are not accusing me of something i didn't do. but when i really did study like crap for it, or at least even trying like crazy to remember the stuff, fitting the information in my teeny brain as much as possible, and the low grades still come.
ncc too. my drills are still sucking and i simply cannot remember all those ifc notes. to others, they can just read it out once or twice, and pooof, it's in their head. not me. i read thousands of times, yet i still dont get a single thing in my freaking brain. i'm sure many others do think that my drills are being awfully sucky and that my ifc is like shit. i won't be surprised if you do think so.
family. no matter what i do, my two sisters are always better than me. every way, every aspect. maybe it's just that i'm jealous. but just because i am the eldest doesn't mean that i have to be the best so that they can follow my example right? i can do like, bad stuff too and they can learn from it also right? though yeah, there's a chance that they might follow, but i'm sure that they know what's good for them and not good. maybe not kristal, but... i don't know
i guess i don't know how to face up to reality that much. i can't reach expectations and goals that people set for me. i'm still living in my own fantasy, only breaking down when reality surfaces. here i am, living day for day, but not thinking about what the future would be, cause i dare not think. it's too real for me.
i can't reach the goals and expectations that you set. i tried, but i fell, not knowing how to face up to reality.
Never coming home.